9. DNA and Mixed Emotions

On Wednesday of the following week, I reached out to Roger. Patrick would be arriving the next day, and his party was going to be that weekend. It had been a few days since I had been given verbal confirmation of Lori’s name on my birth certificate, and I wasn’t thinking about much else. My mind had focused heavily on Lori, and I was really thinking about who she was, what she looked like (I had seen only a few photos of her), and I just hoped to get to “know” her from the people who did know her. In retrospect, I realize that I needed to hold off on this. It’s hard to explain, though. I was right in front of most of all the answers I’ve ever wanted about who and where I came from…and I just wasn’t able to resist asking.

“Hey Roger, (it doesn’t have to be this weekend), but Susan mentioned that most old family pictures might be with you? If that’s true, I’d love to see whatever you have. If there are any family videos, that would be amazing. If not, no big deal.” He responded a bit later, and said that he would share what he has, but doubted that he would have time before the weekend. But then, he went on. “I don’t want to come across as insensitive to your feelings and emotions, but getting some sort of definitive closure around Lori being your birth mother would help all of my siblings. If Lori managed to keep this all secret from us, she went to extraordinary lengths to do so, and I know some of us are battling our own emotions of respecting our sister, and embracing a new member to the family, who is clearly very excited. I hope that makes sense and know that we are all happy to help you do so from our end.”

Intellectually, I knew exactly where he was coming from. But emotionally this felt like a punch in the gut. I had to make a major effort to put myself in his shoes, and in the shoes of his siblings. Honestly, we had the same goals. I wanted all the proof too! I was also impatiently waiting on DNA results. I was also waiting for the state and the court to release records to me. I was trying and I didn’t intend to quit. When I responded to Roger, I told him all of that. But what I was FEELING was hurt and disappointed. It had been only a few days since I was assured that “we are all excited to welcome you to the family”. And now, it seemed like, although that may be true…it wouldn’t be until there was proof?

I remember letting my mind and emotions get away from me a little that day. It really was a roller coaster. And I’ll say again…I know that the fact that Patrick’s story was unfolding right beside mine, but differently than mine, was hard to watch. Here’s the thing. While I was needing to provide “definitive closure” (even though, in my mind, there was more than enough evidence already- just nothing on paper) Patrick had been texting me with some of his itinerary for the weekend. On the morning after his arrival, Roger and his wife were taking Patrick and his girlfriend Heather to brunch. And I’m now ashamed to say that I was jealous and hurt by that. But if I’m writing a true story, I can’t pretend that’s not how I felt at that time.

Thursday, June 6. The roller coaster continues…great news!! The DNA is back, I got the results by email and texted Jack right away. He responded, “Oh yeah! That’s great, we both knew it!! Uncle Jack!” (ALL the heart emojis) After the exchange the day before, I was hesitant to reach back to Roger. Brenda (Jack’s daughter) did that for me. She told me that he was glad to hear the news, but I didn’t hear back from anyone.

Patrick and Heather arrived to town Thursday afternoon. Some of his birth mother’s family were also in town for the weekend, and they all met for dinner that night. Derek and I met them for a quick drink after dinner. On Friday evening, I went out with Patrick and Heather, and a couple of Patrick’s sibs on his birth mom’s side. That evening, Heather and I talked for a while about the whole “thing”, and how truly awesome it all has been. (I don’t want to lose that. This is sounding a little like a “poor me” story right now, and it isn’t. This was just a tough period.) Anyway, we did get into what was going on with my personal progress. She was so compassionate and loving, I became tearful. I started to open up to her and tell her things I’d been keeping mostly to myself. Even though this had been a roller coaster, I had been so optimistic that I had kept a smile on my face and kept pushing forward. I had really tried to keep the difficult parts of this to myself. I can’t tell you how helpful she was. She was empathetic, but also was able to redirect me gently. She was so confident that this was all going to be fine. She acknowledged that it’s difficult having loose ends during this weekend, the party, etc. However, she helped me (again) try to see things from Lori’s family’s point of view. How absolutely impossible all this must seem to them! It’s not that they don’t believe ME. Maybe it’s just more that they need a little more to help them believe it at all.

Saturday came and it was time for Patrick’s party at Roger’s house. I don’t know if I can adequately describe how I felt that day. Patrick and Heather and I grabbed lunch together, which was a) helpful and b) really fun. I can’t speak for how he feels, but I feel a bond with him like no other. Beyond the fact that he is absolutely hilarious, he is the only other person on this earth who understands my story, because his is almost identical. The details vary, but we were both adopted out of the same family, and found that family together. Anyway, after lunch they went back to their hotel to catch a nap, and we agreed that we would see each other in a few hours.

My whole little family came to the party. My kids only stayed for the first hour, but I wanted Lori’s family to meet them…they’re her biological grandchildren. Not only that, but we’re also super proud of them and wanted to introduce them to her family. On our way there, I began to feel anxious. As I think I said before, I’m not an anxious person by nature. So, I feel like I was getting anxious ABOUT feeling anxious. I was a mess. I remember speaking to my kids about not really knowing what to expect. My kids had been part of all that was happening over the past weeks, and who we were going to see, and all of that. I told them that I knew that people would be friendly to us, but that I was nervous because I just really didn’t know how the various members of the family viewed me. I felt like there was still a definite difference between Patrick’s place and mine (whether actual or perceived by me) and it made me uncomfortable. Still, I wanted to be there. I wanted to be there for Patrick, and I wanted to be there because deep in my heart, I believed that I belonged there.

I’m so glad I went. It was one of the most memorable nights of my life.