13.More Emotions, and the Unexpected Gift

Over the couple of weeks that followed the receipt of my file, my mind wasn’t on much else. I went over and over the words in that report in my mind, trying to imagine what scenario had actually taken place between Lori and Steven. The reality is that it doesn’t really matter, but I couldn’t stop…and the more I thought about it, the more it bothered me.

Sharing the information I had found with Susan was the easy part, even though it wasn’t easy. (I really can’t remember what I shared with Roger, but at that time I had been communicating with both. I can’t find any texts though.) I was concerned it would be upsetting for her, and although it may have been, she didn’t put any of that on me. She had a few questions that I answered to the best of my ability based on what was on those papers, and that was it. I didn’t have as much direct contact with Lori’s other sibs as I do now, so I left it to her to share the information. I probably should have done that myself in hindsight, but I just didn’t. I certainly wasn’t intentionally keeping anyone out of the loop.

Keep in mind…this next part is me telling you my thoughts. It’s what was running through my mind at the time. I have no facts to support any of this other than bits and pieces of a story, and my own gut feelings- which is of course very different than fact. What I was feeling, though, was that it was difficult to accept/wrap yourself around the idea that you were not conceived in love. Prior to this time, I really had never let my mind go to the place where I thought of myself as a “mistake”. But now, it’s hard to deny that, at least for two people…I was. As I sit here right now, I’m having to stop and really search for words. It is extremely difficult to communicate this, but I was extremely conflicted emotionally.

Here’s the thing. If you know me, you know that I’m quite confident that my life has purpose. I am content, happy, faithful, and loved. I know these things. I am NOT a mistake. But also, yes I am. To Steven and Lori. I’m both. It’s hard to be both. To reconcile that. Beyond that, I couldn’t stop imagining painful images of her telling him she was pregnant, and various scenes of what transpired after that…none of which ended happily, of course. Then I would dwell on her, and how totally isolated she must have been, probably just wishing it would all go away. I know that she never went for prenatal care (but clearly took care of herself as I was born healthy at 7lbs 15 oz) which makes me think even more that part of her just wanted it all to go away.

I mentioned in the previous post that I feel like Steven was gone as soon as he knew Lori was pregnant. Not long after I had read my complete file, I remembered the letter from 1994. She had told me “It was an error in judgment at a time when I was very lonely. I never saw the other party in this equation again.” So, whether she knew he was married or not, she was on her own to clean up the mess they made together. So, part of me was angry on her behalf. This feeling was reinforced after a visit with Moira. Remember, the Intuitive Healer?

I went to see her for a Reiki Session. I was definitely interested in getting some help in calming my emotions. I didn’t want to seek out meds for this…I felt like it was temporary, and I just needed help working through all this new “stuff” coming at me. I trusted her as an old friend, and when she described Reiki to me I was ready to try it. Before she started that, though, she also channeled my parents, Lori, and Steven. I don’t know how that works. What I can say, is that she said things (about my parents) she couldn’t possibly have known otherwise. What I can also say is how I felt. I felt warm, and surrounded by love, and I remember a steady stream of tears. When she spoke of Lori, she spoke of a yellow glow around her, and told me that although she was unable to have contact with me while alive, she is glad that I know the truth. She moved on to the healing portion of the session. I can only say that I highly recommend her if you’re dealing with stress, emotions, etc. I’m not sure at all that I can accurately describe it, as I’m not sure anyone could have for me. But I felt a calm different than any other. A settled feeling. Contentment. Oh…during the session she hadn’t really mentioned Steven, so I asked about him. What did she see/what was her sense of things? She told me “I feel like he was today as he was back then. He was here for just a minute, and then he was gone. But he knew what was happening.” ***She didn’t know ANY of his, or Lori’s story before my visit***

Thankfully, I did also have the adoptive family section of my file. This was, and still is, the Unexpected Gift in all of this. As I’ve said, my parents always spoke openly of adoption, and spoke openly (and often) of their love for me, and I knew they were proud of me, etc. What we hadn’t really talked about in detail was their lives before me. Some of that was in that file.

As with any family seeking to adopt, the agency takes a good look at them. Who are they, what’s their story (individually and together)? Why do they want a baby, what brought them to this point? The report that I have is a precious account of my parents, who, after 7 years of marriage, were told they would likely never have children together. There are descriptions of both their families and upbringings, a description of them as a couple- how they interact with each other, what they do for fun, what their home is like, what type of parents they’re likely to be. There’s even an essay written by my dad (apparently my mom’s is missing) about his upbringing, how he met my mom- their first date was St Patrick’s Day! And he’s very sweet talking about his feelings about their infertility, and his hopes for adoption. Finally, as my adoption date gets closer, there are home visits describing my nursery- it was ready for me 4 months before they knew I was coming, just in anticipation of a baby. It was decorated in Raggedy Ann & Andy (I still have the blanket). On the day that they were notified that they’d be getting me, the news was delivered in person at the CCSB office. “Mrs. Costigan cried when we told her”.

What a gift. In all the searching, I NEVER once considered that there would be information that would teach me anything about my parents. So, during these weeks when I was wrestling with the emotions about being someone’s “mistake”, I would always use this to bring myself back and set my mind straight. I still do it today if I ever catch my thoughts drifting toward anything negative.

I know that I am exactly where I need to be. I also know that, had Lori and Steven had a happy ending, my life could not and would not be what it is…and I wouldn’t want that. So, although there was some negativity around me at the start, it wasn’t about ME. That’s why Lori did what she did, to give me the best chance that she could. Her choice literally created a new family for my parents and me. Have I mentioned lately that she’s amazing?