17. Getting to Know You

I feel like I need to go back several months, and talk about how my relationship(s) have changed with the members of my birth family. Things are very different now, and are really, really good.

A few weeks after Patrick’s party, Brenda was in town visiting her family, so Derek and I were asked over one evening. She hadn’t been able to come to town for the party, so we still hadn’t met. This was last July, 2019. We went to Jack and Annie’s house – Brenda’s parents. This was also the first time I met Annie. She had been out of town visiting Brenda when we had Patrick’s party.

I felt much more comfortable than I did a few weeks back, but was still a little nervous. This visit would be a much smaller group and Derek and I were the only “new people”. I found out very quickly that I had nothing to worry about. We were greeted at the door by the whole smiling family, and an immediate warm hug from Annie. They all put us right at ease.

We had a really nice, casual evening with pizza and a couple of drinks. Everyone just took time talking (we were just back from vacation to California and National Parks so we had plenty to talk about). We all shared the details of our own families, who had how many kids, what ages, etc. And of course, we talked about Lori, and me, and this whole crazy story that had just unraveled in front of us the past few months. Jack talked a little more about her- Lori. It was so good to hear from his perspective, her brother. It’s clear what she meant to him and how much she’s missed. He showed me some of her watercolor art that is hanging in his house, and I remembered her talking about painting in the letter she wrote me in 1994. Before the evening was over, he also made a few comments about us finding each other. He acknowledged what I knew- it’s been shocking, emotional, difficult at times…but also that he’s very happy about it, that we know and have each other in our lives now. Everyone in his family echoed the same. I remember getting a little teary, and having a really strange feeling…a comfort…as if I’d known them all before.

I don’t think I saw anyone for a few months after that, but several of Lori’s sibs and I were in touch by text as my HHT results came in and preparations were being made for my surgery. Additionally, this created a little wave of genetic testing in their family. Up to last summer, one of my uncles had been cleared with clinical tests years ago, but never had genetic testing- so he wouldn’t know whether or not his kids needed testing. Another uncle had been tested along with his kids, but hadn’t followed up for a while, and to my knowledge, the rest had not been tested. Without saying who’s who…there’s lots of great news. One uncle was negative, therefore in his family, everyone else will be negative. Awesome. Another uncle was positive but his clinical tests negative (no need for procedures) AND all three of his kids are negative so it ends with him! Amazing. And the one that had been tested and lacked follow up has since followed up and no one needs intervention at this point. So far, so good!

In November, I was traveling to Texas to visit a friend, and was able to meet up with Brenda who also lives in the same area. She was kind enough to get me from the airport and we went to breakfast. It was so, so nice to have time with her. She helped me “virtually” get to know members of the family I either hadn’t met, or met and didn’t know well (which was basically everyone). But, you know…when you’re in the family you know who’s who, can describe personalities, who has close bonds, etc. I was so happy that day. It was just so, so good talking with her, and it was clear that this great big family (although I’m sure has its issues as all families do) is really as warm and wonderful as it seemed to me. When my friend, Cheryl, came to pick me up after breakfast, Brenda introduced herself- “I’m Carrie’s cousin”. Love.

In late November, we were invited to Susan’s surprise birthday party. It was there that I got to meet one of her daughters, and her son, Katie and Pete, and their families. Katie is just the sweetest. She has had one of the most outwardly emotional reactions to me, and it just makes me so happy. Before meeting, she had told me that although she was also surprised as everyone was, she was thrilled as she was very close with Lori. Now, she feels like she has a “piece of her” in me, and she sees her in me. She and I continue to establish a relationship today. Trish and I visited Katie and Susan recently (they live a couple hours away) and her brother and family, who also live nearby. It was so good to again spend time in a small group, getting to know them better.

At the birthday party, we were also invited to Brian and Linda’s house for Christmas Day, and we were also told to expect an invitation to Jack’s daughter’s wedding next October 2020. I can’t speak for how they felt, but I just felt like this whole family was just opening up to me and for me. I just felt totally overwhelmed and embraced, and it was just the best.

As it turns out, my own little family doesn’t really have a big plan on Christmas Day. We have breakfast after all the gifts are opened, and hang out all day. So the invitation worked out. My kids weren’t too sure how to feel, but they’re super supportive and came along. Roger’s kids were great with them, and included them in card games. I will say, this was again a little overwhelming. It’s a LOT of people, and this time there were a couple of cousins I hadn’t met. Add that to the fact that, at that point, I was still learning/remembering names, AND that, in my mind at least, I still wasn’t exactly sure how everyone in the family felt about me. But all that aside, we had a great visit.

Two days later, we went to an engagement party for Jack’s daughter. Again, another fun night getting to talk with people. Not long after we arrived, I was touched on the shoulder by someone who introduced herself as a friend of Jack and Annie’s, but that she also knew Lori. She had just been talking Roger, and had pointed me out across the room. “Who’s that?”, she had asked him. And he told her.

I spent the next 2-3 hours with this woman. When we first met, and she asked if we could talk, we grabbed a table. She was just overwhelmed and so joyful at the idea of me. She couldn’t stop touching my face, and remarking about my eyes and how she could see Lori in me. It was really, really unexpected and really wonderful. Our personalities clicked and we had such a great night talking and laughing, and later talking with more members of the family, and looking forward to seeing each other again as the wedding approached.

At the end of the night, Linda approached me with a gift. She had one of Lori’s paintings that she had never framed/hung and wanted me to have it. It’s a magnolia flower- my favorite tree. I just love it, and love that she thought to give it to me. I just had it framed and hung it in our hall bathroom. I’d been looking and looking for something for that wall, and just couldn’t find anything I liked. This is perfect.

The people I’ve spent the most time with are Trish and Roger. I’m going to need to talk about them in a separate post…